You envy your neighbours and blame your destiny when you see Deshpande’s and Sharma’s next door! They are happy families. Whenever you see them, you are happy, and you want to be like them. You envy them not because they are happy, but because you cannot be happy like them. When you do not find any logical reason, it is elementary to blame destiny. Deshpande’s have two kids like you; your financial status appears to be similar. Sharma’s have to support her parents but still, look always cheerful. But it is not as simple as it seems.
What is the secret to achieving this happiness? First and foremost is understanding that happiness is a transient and not a permanent phase in life. Most of our day to day life is drudgery with peaks and troughs, happiness and sadness! Once you accept this fact, you will start understanding that destiny has nothing to do with your joy. Every home, every family has its pluses and minuses! Everybody has tough times and quiet times. We all go through our financial instability to reasonable stability to sometimes high financial comfort. But these phases are also transients; if we assume that these will continue forever, then we would be in trouble.
Our pressures, our sore points are all going to be there. But it is how we manage things that are going to decide our situation. Husband and wife also need to learn to fight sensibly. They need to learn to let go of things and should not bring Egos in between. When does the phase for the difference of opinion start?
You are married, you come back from honeymoon and enter the honeymoon phase of life! Life meanders smoothly and then suddenly you find that your TV has conked and one of your vehicles is creating a problem. You have important customers at the office, and your husband needs to attend a conference over the weekend. You must realise that the honeymoon phase of life is over. Most of us forget to understand this, and everything is in great flux. Please know that it is the beginning of real life.
Life’s real variables, the kids, are not even in the picture. Life has already started becoming complicated. Now, do you understand my statement above that we must learn to fight sensibly? The fights are a difference of opinion. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus; this adage is a real-life adage. Husband and wife are married and love each other. But as the situation starts becoming complex, discussions need to be done without raising the voice and the temperature. All that these two lovely people are doing is that they are giving a different opinion on the same matter. But I am told that on Mars they speak Chinese and on Venus, they speak Spanish. In the absence of Google Translate during translation, the term “lost in translation” comes into play! Maybe one of them is not good at explaining, or the other is not a good listener. The result is that both feel that the other person is not even listening to what I am saying. Matter does not end there! The wife gets an urgent call, and the husbands boss has asked for a quick update on something! It is the beginning of the first world war!
First and foremost, learn to argue, explain and fight correctly. After all, you folks are the closest to each other. From this incident, learn to cool down, chill during or after the flight! A good hug or a kiss takes care of many things. Sit together in the evening over a cuppa or a glass of wine or whatever is your poison. Decide to start planning on a piece of paper, use an app if you are tech-savvy! Don’t delay it, don’t procrastinate! Humans are born to procrastinate, but it is as bad sugar is for diabetics.
Main variables like children, and in small cases not able to conceive, are equally painful problems of life. Degree of complexity of life changes from simple arithmetic, to algebra, to trigonometry, to Fourier transforms. Degree of difficulty starts going up exponentially. It is like in the business or a profession. Planning, planning, short term planning, long term planning! When things are in front of you on a piece of paper or whatever medium, you visualise better. You can prioritise, you can decide in advance what could be delayed. Planned delay is not a shock. With a lot of planning, there will be a semblance of discipline in life; there can still be a bolt out of the blue! You need to budget for it.
You must be wondering if I have strayed into telling some management related story! But real life is also management, management of our life! But the most critical aspect is that it is going to affect you and your family directly! If you lose a project or an order to someone else in your work, generally no emotions are involved. But if you are not able to attend a sports event where your child has won the first prize, it is going to affect the whole family! Sometimes, it will take a real toll in relationship with your child!
It will be a good idea if Mars and Venus’s folks come on the same page on significant issues. It will be a good idea to split the chores. Whoever is expert in that area should own that part, though the planning and review should be shared. Bouncing ideas with each other is another right way of handling things.
All these things will lead to a life which is under control. Result of the same will be happiness. If Sharma’s and Deshpande’s are your good friends, why not take the advice from them on streamlining day to day matters and long term matters too! Our life does not have to run in military precision, but it is better if it is organised. Ultimately, whatever needs to be done is to be done by us and no one else! What better way than being organised, being mature (take time out during fights). Minimise procrastination. Benefits are plenty which may not be called happiness. You will have more me time; you will have time with friends and of course, family! Once in a while, you might be able to do a few things like rafting, kayaking, or whatever!
Change your thinking! Let Kulkarnis and Guptas be envious that your family is happy!